The Loneliness of Pursuing a Life

The mid- to late-20s is probably the strangest and loneliest that most people can feel. It is when they start exploring their own interests and passions and discover all the possibilities that they can pursue. But it is also when they start to realize their own burdens and responsibilities and make decisions that they have to see through. And so, friends find new friends to spend time with, set different careers and goals to pursue, and increasingly walk along separate paths to varied destinations.

This is something that I heard from a mid-20-year-old guy when I was an early-20-year-old. At that time, I didn't really understand what he meant. But recently, his words have been coming back to me and have been making more and more sense.

I started this blog in 2015, marking the 2nd year that I decided to set goals and strive towards them. Since then, I have been finding myself in surreal situations that kept reminding me of how fortunate I am. I have been to the best beaches and islands in the Philippines and to some in Malaysia, Indonesia and Thailand. I have been to 30m below sea level and to several hundred meters above on foot. I have met world-class athletes and world-changing individuals who are also the nicest and least entitled people I know.

However, the farther I travel, the more experiences I pursue, and the more people I encounter, the stranger and lonelier I truly feel. It seems that every step I take along this chosen path is another step away from what used to be familiar, normal and comfortable.

Although I really do live for chasing after new experiences and new destinations, I am finding it more and more difficult to relate with other people. Back in school, everyone is aiming for timely graduation, taking the same exams and programs, and have lived the same number of years. Inside the office, most everyone hates the same boss, complains about the same working conditions, and renders too much overtime at some point.

But now with my nomadic freediver lifestyle, I very rarely meet someone who is the same age as I am or is in the same stage of life. Whilst I want to travel like a local and spend my days at the local coffee shop, others have too much energy and too little time to be satisfied with that. Whilst freediving is the only sport I ever did, others have some physical background to draw resilience and techniques from. There's an infinitely diverse range of goals, intentions, struggles and advantages, in addition to nationalities, ages and civil status, that finding a karamay* is a real diamond.

Hence, there are many times when I feel lost and down, look at everyone surrounding me, and see no one seemingly going through something similar.

But this is not to say that I haven't made real personal connections throughout my gallivanting. Even with my introvertedness and fear of being rejected, misunderstood or found out, I've met a few people whom I consider friends and can hang out with.

This is my new reality now. And though I really am thankful for it, I do wish to find people who are also going through similar roadblocks at the same time.

Taken by Summer at Dumaluan Beach, Panglao, Bohol. Summer was my overall Panglao buddy whom I only found because I impulsively decided to invest in a freediving course. If my stinginess prevailed, my stay in Panglao wouldn't have been as special.

*Karamay - n. roughly translates to "accomplice" or "companion", karamay is a Tagalog word that refers to someone who can sympathize with someone else, often experiencing the same struggles at the same time. I think the English translation does not give justice to the depth of meaning of the word.

Rediscovering Freediving

For three weeks now, I have been based out of Panglao Island, Bohol as I expand my comfort levels in freediving. It so far remains extremely terrifying and surreal, with each dive a battle against underwater pressure and self-doubt. However, I have happily made strong progress both in skill and in enjoyment. And although my motivation for pursuing freediving continues to be vague, the path towards it is now clearer than when I first discovered it.

Freediving is both a competitive and a recreational sport wherein participants hold their breath and dive underwater to depths of up to 200m (656ft). Of course, not all freedivers dive that deep and most enjoy freediving as simply holding their breath for a few seconds and diving down to 10m (33ft). In any case, the activity is best enjoyed at a personal level, with athletes competing against themselves than against each other.

Taken during the Asian Freediving Cup at Panglao, Bohol by Kohei Ueno. My first exposure to a freediving competition, I immerse in the water with only a mask and a snorkel amidst expert freedivers with wetsuits and long fins.

It was back in 2015 when I first discovered freediving in Moalboal, Cebu. I knew very little about it but the idea of diving with no attached equipment and at my own pace and will convinced me that it was how I want to explore the underwater world. So after a 2.5-day AIDA 2-star course, which culminated in a 17m (56ft) dive and a sea turtle sighting, I saw a whole new world open up for me.

Taken by Nicolas Foubert in Moalboal, Cebu. Ascending from a 10-meter (33-feet) dive on a single breath, I felt contented and didn't imagine daring to go deeper.

However, just like graduating from university, the next step after finishing the course was unclear. I wanted to use my new-found underwater exploration skills but I had no one to freedive with.

Nevertheless, I held on to my budding interest and started designing my travels around freediving schools. This made it easier to decide where my next destination will be and also safer to practice freediving. Still, doing coached dives with freedive instructors in and out of the Philippines, although enjoyable, didn't really match my initial idea of what freediving is for. It felt like I wasn't getting the most out of it.

*****

It wasn't until a fun dive session in Napaling, Panglao that I rediscovered joy in freediving. I was with a more experienced freediver, which made me feel safe as I know he can rescue me in case something happens, and challenged as I didn't want to appear sloppy and incapable. We dived through swim-through's, up and down a reef wall, over colorful corals, and through a small school of sardines. I felt graceful, relaxed, and amazed. I remembered every skill I learned and used them to move effortlessly and enjoyably underwater. It was pure joy. After that, I started dreaming of becoming better, of staying underwater longer, and of doing more fun dives like this.

Taken by Gert Leroy in Napaling, Panglao. I stay a couple of seconds underwater, letting the water push my body upwards as I examine the different sensations occurring inside.

I thought then that that was the goal: freediving for underwater exploration. But the more I thought about it, the more it felt incomplete -- like it was just one side of the coin. More so, I realized how I am not really looking at marine life underwater but looking at myself inwardly.

Unexpectedly, opportunities for training and for more freediving came up. I suddenly found myself along this path that demanded so much discomfort yet imparted so much amazement. I was doing something I have never imagined I could and it was slowly becoming part of my comfort zone.

Taken by Gert Leroy in Napaling, Panglao. I head towards the surface as my legs start to burn and my lungs crave for fresh oxygen after achieving a new 25-meter (82-feet) PB*.

So I trudged on. And from looking at freediving as a means of exploring the underwater, I look at it now as a means of discovering myself. Further, from being an impressionable audience at the most-awaited freediving competition in Asia, I am now a hopeful participant at the last depth competition this year in Panglao.

I may still be considered a beginner freediver who takes pleasure in the idea of looking more bad-ass than scuba divers, but I am also now a competitive freediver who finds so much joy in reaching new depths. Nonetheless, freediving will always equate to exploration, be it of underwater seascapes or of my innermost tendencies.

Taken by Gert Leroy on a fun dive session in Barracuda Lake, Coron. I dive down to 12m to check out what limestone formations are hiding beneath. If this video takes too long to load, check this out instead ;)

A post shared by Gert Leroy (@gertleroy) on Aug 1, 2017 at 3:58am PDT

*Personal Best: In depth disciplines, this refers to the deepest that a freediver has gone to without blacking out or losing motor control.